When Joshua woke up the day was nearly over.
He had slept all of the morning away and a good part of the afternoon. He
slowly rolled out of bed, head pounding like someone was hammering nails into
it, and his breath could light a fire it was so pungent.
After brushing his teeth and taking a
45-minute shower Joshua walked into the kitchen only to find his older brother
Nathan glaring at him from behind a cup of coffee. "When are you going to
grow up" he sneered at Joshua. "OH, SHUT UP!" screamed Joshua. "Why
are you here anyway, don't you have your own home, your own coffee?"
Back and forth the brothers hurled insults and
accusations. Finally, Joshua broke down and started crying. "I HATE YOU, I
WISH YOU WERE DEAD" he yelled as he stormed out slamming the door behind
him. As he began walking down the street, he saw his father coming. "Oh
great!" he exclaimed to himself. Samuel could see his son had been crying
and asked, "What's wrong?" Joshua responded with a sniff and a
"nothing". "I don't know what's going on with you but we have to
talk," Samuel said. "This life you’re living will only end up in a
ditch or prison. Listen. I love you, I love you more than you know, but you
can't live like this. I love you too much to simply sit around and watch you
destroy your life. You're grounded except for work. I just spoke with Albert
Monahan who said you could start working for him tomorrow morning at the store.
It' doesn't pay much but it's better than what you have now, and I think it
will teach you some responsibility."
Before his father could finish speaking Joshua
broke in "I don't need a job, I have my trust fund and I'm not working for
that Jer. And I’m too old to be grounded. I’m a man, not a child."
"That money is part of your inheritance for when I'm gone. You and your
brother will split that money and hopefully be able to pay for a house or
something like that. I'm not going to let you just blow what me and your mother
saved for you and Nathan just because you're upset."
"I can't live here anymore, you're
cramping my style, you're giving me a headache and you’re just plain killing
me" replied Joshua as he walked off in a rage not really knowing where he
was going.
"Why do you let him speak to you like
that?" Tony said. "If that were me, I'd just slap him.", grunted
Jason. Joshua was sitting in the bedroom of his friend Tony, listening to some
music and nursing his grudge against his father. Joshua was so upset, full of
anger and hate that he just sat there listening to his two friends tell him
what they would do and what he should do.
Joshua was heading down a dark road that would
probably lead to a dark forest. He had started down this path soon after his
mother passed away. The pain of losing his mother caused the boy to become
bitter and resentful. "All that talk of God is love, junk! Where was God
when my mother was lying there suffering! Where was this God of love and
power!" These were the thoughts he had soon after his mother's death and
while they were still there in his heart, they were buried. He didn't even
realize that his anger towards God had eaten away at his relationship with his
father and brother.
Joshua felt the pain and hurt, anger and rage
building up more and more as his two friends continued to talk. "Let's get
out of here and find something to do," he said. "Rachel has some
alcohol. I'll call her to see if we can go over". Tony pulled out his
phone and began to call Rachel. "Hey, Tony" was the response from the
other side of the phone. "What's up?" "Are you busy, we have Joshua
here and we need to get drunk," Tony said. Rachel was 23, smart, and a
good worker but she liked to party, especially with Tony. She’s had a bit of a
crush on him for years. "Sure, come on over," she said.
It was more of a blur, a nightmare really, but
those six days finally passed by and Joshua once again woke up with a pounding
headache, with crushing pain, not really in his chest but more like his soul,
feeling just the way he looked, horrible. He had spent those days sleeping on
Rachel's couch and partying the whole time. it was obvious that Rachel wanted
her "friend" to go home now. He had basically used up all his
"friend" credit and had worn out his welcome. Some say fish and
family start to stink after three days. Joshua was twice as smelly and not even
a relative.
"What now?" he asked himself.
"What do I do now? I don't want to go home. All that's waiting for me
there is another lecture from my dad. I can't stay here.” Tony had no room at
his place and Jason was only 16 living at home with his parents who absolutely
despised Joshua.
It took Joshua three hours to finally make up
his mind. He was going back home only to pack up his stuff and leave. If his
father wouldn't give him access to the money that was his, he would steal some
and take off. He was out of there he told himself.
His son hadn't been home in five days and it
was getting late. He was concerned but knew where his son was. "At least
he's not dead in a ditch," he thought to himself. But what could he do? He
couldn't force his son to be a man, to shape up. He was 21 after all and really
beginning the walk of adulthood.
Samuel was not what you might call a prayer
warrior. He loved God, prayed daily, and read the scriptures but he never spent
any extended time in prayer, until this night.
While his thoughts were swirling around in his
head, he began almost unconsciously to pray to God. He started out in the
living room and wandered around the house. First into the kitchen and then the
bedroom. Going more than once into his son Joshua's room. Tears were rolling
down his cheeks and off his chin from time to time.
"Father, father" murmured Samuel.
"What can I do? I see him going off a cliff and I can't seem to stop him.
What do I do?"
The night was long for Samuel, filled with
prayers to God and broken-hearted cries for his son who seemed too far gone. In
the morning Samuel washed up got ready for work, exhausted as he was. But
before leaving the house he sat at the kitchen table. Coffee in one hand and
the bible in the other, he prayed once more before leaving. "Father, help
me to know how to help my son. Give me the wisdom and guidance I need. Do
whatever needs to be done in Joshua's life to bring him back to yourself. In
Jesus name, Amen". With that, he sipped that last of his coffee, placed
the Bible on the shelf, and left for work.
He opened the door slowly and with some care,
not wanting to alert his father to his presence if he could help it. Before he
walked in he listened for a moment. No sound, no "where have you
been" from his father, nothing. He quickly entered the house closed the
door quietly and made his way to his room. He grabbed a gym bag from his closet
and crammed as much stuff as he could fit into it as fast as he could. Old gym
shorts, tee shirts, a few pairs of pants, and that thing was full.
He had planned to leave without letting his
father know, just up and go. He was a man, he didn't need to tell anyone
anything, was his thought. But after a few minutes of stuffing things into his
bag and thinking he decided to confront his father. He was going to demand his
inheritance now, after all, it was his.
He threw the gym bag on his bed and sat at his
desk chair. He turned on some music and waited till his father came home.
Joshua had gotten home at about 4:30, his
father was usually home by 5 although on occasion he'd be home at 4 if he had
gotten all his work done and wasn't needed. This day was unusual, his father
still wasn't home, and it was close to 6:30. "Just like that idiot to work
late when I'm waiting for him," thought Joshua. The more time clicked by
the angrier and more frustrated Joshua became. It was 6:45 when Joshua heard
the sound of his father's car pulling in. He decided to meet his father at the
front door. So, with his bag in hand, he marched straight for the front door.
As Samuel opened the door, he was a bit
startled by the sight of his youngest son standing with his arms folded and an
old dirty gym bag by his feet only inches away from the front door. "I'm
not staying here anymore. I only came to get a few things and I'm so outta
here. But, I'm telling you right now, I want my money, I want my inheritance.
You can't keep it from me, it's mine and I'll do with it what I feel like
doing" stated Joshua with such animosity in his voice you would have
thought he was speaking to some vile reprobate instead of his loving father.
"Sit down for a moment and let's
talk," Samuel said pointing to the kitchen table. "I won't keep you
long. I know you’re growing up and feel you're ready to live life your own, but
I'd like to have a father-son talk first". "I'm not sticking around
here so you can yell and scream at me" was Joshua's response. "I've
no intention of yelling or screaming. I just want to speak with you for a
moment," said Samuel.
Joshua was reluctant to have this talk with
his father and he really wanted to leave and be upset with him, but the way
Samuel spoke persuaded Joshua to sit and listen to what his father had to say.
"I know you miss your mother, I do too. I
know you're angry and upset but you need to know that being a man doesn't mean
doing whatever you want to do. It means giving up your rights for the sake of
others. It means doing what's right even when it's the hardest thing to do. It
means loving others as you love yourself." Samuel spoke for only about 5
minutes while his son for the first time, in a long time, sat silent, listening
to what his father had to say. When Samuel was done speaking he finished by
saying "I've decided to give you your inheritance. I don't think it's wise
for you to take it and run wild with it and I hope you don't. I love you and
want what's best for you but if you really want to have that inheritance now,
so be it. Just do yourself a favor and put it in an account and be wise with
it. There's no more once that's gone. The rest is Nathan's when I die. So,
please, think before you spend it" With that, Samuel pulled a piece of
paper out of his shirt pocket and pushed it across the kitchen table towards
Joshua.
Joshua took the paper and opened it up to find
it was a check written out for one half of the inheritance that was supposed to
be for him and Nathan when Samuel died. Without saying anything Joshua took the
check, stuffed it into his jean pocket, got up from the table, grabbed his bag,
and walked out the door.
He was the talk of the town, everyone loved
him, at least that's what he thought. He was surrounded by all kinds of people,
never a dull moment and never alone. "This is the good life”, thought
Joshua. "Just think it was only two months ago I left my father's house
and look at me now." Joshua was standing on the balcony of a very nice
hotel two states away from his father. Joshua had walked out of his father's
house two months earlier with that check from his father and he had walked
straight to the bus station, bought a ticket, and never looked back.
Once he arrived he quickly made a few friends.
Bob was a nice sort of guy but really was only friends with Joshua because of
the way Joshua would spend money like it was going out of style and Bob was one
who received the benefits of his friend's loose living.
Joshua set himself up in the best hotel
around. The lobby was sparkling and shined with polished brass and white
marbled tiles. “This was the good life”, thought Joshua. As he ascended in the
elevator to his suite, he thought to himself, "Man, I've made it".
The doors opened to a small private hallway and across from the elevator was
his room.
“Tonight… WE PARTY!”, yelled Joshua and that
was just what he did. In fact, every night was party time. It’s interesting how
many “friends” one seems to have when money is thrown around.
In the end, the money that Joshua had didn't
last long. He felt like he was on top of the world for a time but that high
quickly flew away. He had stopped paying for the room at the hotel and was
trying to duck the manager at every opportunity. It wasn't long before the
manager simply changed the code to the room and Joshua found himself without a
place to stay.
"Dave, it's Josh. Can I crash at your
place for a while? I... I'm kind of broke right now." "Ahh... Sure, I
guess" said Dave. "Hey, I really appreciate it. Thanks. I'll be over
in a few". Joshua hung up the phone and placed it in his pocket. Off he
went walking down one street and up another making his way to Dave's place.
Dave was a sorry sort of person. He had hung around Joshua while the money was
flowing but towards the end, Dave was less and less a presence in Joshua's
life, but Joshua didn't see that all those “friends”, especially Dave, were
simply good time friends. Those who are happy to be around you so long as
things are going well but when the party's over, they make a quick exit.
The only reason Dave allowed Joshua to come
over was that he was taken off guard. He never thought he would hear from
Joshua again never mind asking to stay with him.
When the money ran out Joshua could no longer
stay at that extravagant hotel. He asked around and found a cheap sleazy place
a few blocks away from the Grand Paradise hotel. As Joshua walked to the Palace
Hotel the sky dimmed. It looked as if it was about to rain. The air had a chill
in it and the wind picked up a bit. With each step, Joshua felt worse and
worse. It was as if he was getting sick, but he wasn’t catching a cold. No,
this was something different. He turned the corner of Jackson Drive and Woods
street and found the small narrow passageway that went between two tall brick
buildings.
As he continued on, he came to a set of stairs
that led down to the entrance of the Palace Hotel. He could barely see the
hotel from the top of the stairs. The stairs were crooked and broken with
pieces of concrete missings from many of the steps. The handrails were wobbly
and stained. When Joshua leaned on it he felt like it would break and send him
toppling over onto the ground below. Each step-down Joshua felt a sinking
feeling. The buildings around were so tall that they blocked out much of the
light. Joshua felt almost as if he had entered a dark wooded area, a forest of
sorts, he even thought he heard the sound of some wild animals in the distance.
“The wind sure makes funny noises”, he thought to himself. The buildings felt
like they were closing in on him and were crushing the very life from his body.
Once he reached the bottom of the steps, he
saw the grungy neon sign, half-lit up that said "Vacancy". Joshua
took a deep breath as he reached for the door and walked in. The first thing
that Joshua noticed was the vile smell that hit him in the face. It was so bad
he gagged and tried to breathe through his mouth, but even that didn’t help.
The air was thick with smoke and the place was dimly lit. Joshua was at the top
of the steps that lead down to the lobby where the front desk was. The walls of
the lobby reminded him of a cave. They were made of stones almost crypt-like.
Each step took him closer to the lobby and further into this "cave".
Joshua asked the man standing behind the
counter for a room. The stone-faced yellow-eyed man groaned "You payin by
the hour or day, kid?" "By the day", replied Joshua. Joshua
handed the manager the money and the yellow-eyed man slid the room key over to
him and said, "Down those stairs and to the left, room 9." Joshua
walked down another set of stairs wondering how low he could possibly go in
this building. It was obvious this hotel if you could call it that, was in the
basement of this building but how far underground was it? As he turned the
corner, he spotted a small sign on the wall that had just one word
"perfidia[1]". Joshua had no earthly idea what the word meant but he
didn't like the look of it. His stomach turned like after one gets off the
teacups at an amusement park, although this was no Carnival ride.
After walking down the hallway a bit, Joshua
finally found his room. "Number 9,[2]" Joshua said in a low defeated
voice.
[1] Latin: perfidia, -ae f treachery,
dishonesty.
[2] Dante’s Inferno. The 9th circle of hell is
Treachery: The deepest circle of Hell, where Satan resides.
John was a shady kind of guy, the kind that
would steal from his mother and murder his father if he got in his way.1 He was
the wrong kind of person to be hanging around, but Dave was friends with him so
Joshua thought "He must be alright". "What do you want?"
John asked Joshua. "I need a job, I need to make some money,
somehow". "I can arrange that, but you know this ain't no 9 to 5 kind
thing, right. You know what I do, don't you?" asked John. "Yeah, I
know" Replied Joshua. "Ok, man. If you know what you're getting into,
but if you try and get over on me, I'm gonna kill you. You know that
right?" Lifting his shirt just a bit so Joshua could see the shine of a
chrome-plated nine milometer tucked into his pants. Without a word, Joshua
simply nodded his head.
John was a drug dealer who needed someone,
someone stupid, to carry his drugs for him. John wasn't the one to get caught
carrying large quantities around. In John’s mind, Joshua was just the right
guy. Someone who was clearly in need of money while also being so completely
afraid of John that he was unlikely to pull any funny stuff with him.
The first few times went over with no issues.
Joshua, scared out of his mind, took possession of some drugs and delivered
them across town to a “friend” of John's named Emily. Emily was a short
brown-haired girl who looked almost anorexic. You could tell that she had been
a very pretty girl but had been abused and battered by things in life that she
was a shell of a person at this time.
Joshua would pick up some packages and
delivered them to Emily every other week. For doing this Joshua received a
small amount of money. Nothing like what he had been given as his inheritance
but at this point, it was a lot to Joshua. He usually used most of it on drugs
for himself or alcohol, keeping just barely enough and sometimes not enough to
pay for the room he was renting out at the Palace hotel.
"I need you to go to the old factory
building on canal street tomorrow at 8 in the morning and get a package and
bring it to Emily. OK?!" John said in a harsh voice. "Yeah, no
problem but can I get the money upfront this time? I need it to pay the
rent." Joshua asked with a shy and timid sound in his voice while looking
down at his torn sneakers. "I don't know, man. I don't know. How do I know
you ain't gonna take my money a run?" Came the reply. "I've done this
five times already and you never had a problem. I just need to pay the rent or
I'm out on the street. Please" asked Joshua. "Don't make me regret
this" said John as he pulled out a wad of cash and flipped through it
pulling out a few grungy bills and handing it to Joshua.2
(1. Oedipus)
(2. Luke 15:14–16)
Each dark and gloomy day gave way to the next.
The only time Joshua ever felt any kind of pleasure was when he was high or talking
to Tiresias . It had been a few weeks since Joshua found himself living in the
Palace Hotel and during that time, he had befriended an old homeless man named
Tiresias. Tiresias was a vet who had found himself in dire straits after being
honorably discharged from the Army. He was old with dirty gray hair and a beard
that were unkempt. The only clothes he had were the ones he wore, an old army
jacket that had seen better days. A pair of grungy black dress pants and some
old ripped sneakers.
Tiresias had been homeless and on the streets
for years. During that period, he often got violently sick and one harsh winter
he got so sick that he went blind in one eye. To look at him would make you
turn in panic, but Joshua took a liking to this "wise old man" as he
called him. The thing that attracted Joshua to Tiresias was the way he spoke.
Tiresias had often slept behind the local used bookstore and on occasion the
owner would toss out used books that were badly damaged and couldn't sell. He
would often rummage through the dumpster looking for food or the odd book. He
found books for children and books on politics, but he once found a book on
Plato and Aristotle. More out of pure curiosity he took the book and over the
next few years, read and reread that book, and eventually became somewhat of a
street philosopher.
Joshua really enjoyed talking with the
"Old wise man" and arguing with him about the meaning of life,
politics, and religion. One day Tiresias asked Joshua where he was going.
Joshua replied, "Just to see if I can score some weed". Tiresias said
"No, son. Where are you going?" Joshua wasn't sure what he meant.
"Are you ok? I told you I'm just heading out to see if I can get high
somewhere. Damian might have some stuff." "You know Josh", the
old man started. "I've always liked you. You're smart, real smart but
sometimes you act dumb. I like talking to you, the Lord knows no one else talks
with me. Most turn and walk away as if I didn't exist. Even those so-called
friends of yours. But you, you take time and talk with me. Let me give this to
you the only way I know how. You're heading down. You need to stop what you're
doing and turn back. Go back home. Get out of this place. If you don't the only
thing waiting for you is a pine box."
Joshua didn't really know what to say. In some
ways he was taken back. Normally they argued and debated issues that were
distant but this, this was close to home. "Yeah, I know." Was the
reply and off Joshua walked determined to find some kind of drug and forget
what that "Old blind fool" had said.
Joshua had worked for John for a few months
and while things were not all peaches and cream, they were doable, at least
that's how Joshua saw things. One day John had an extra-large load for Joshua
to move. He wasn't going to Emily's house but to an old, abandoned warehouse on
the corner of Prince and Zarathustra. Joshua had in the past a thousand and one
goals for his life but today the only goal was to drop off this load and get
out of there.
As Joshua walked from the pickup spot to the
old warehouse, he thought about what Tiresias had asked him "Where are you
going?" The words seemed to pierce his soul. The more he contemplated the
question the more pain he felt. What was he doing, where was he going? "Is
this really my life?" thought Joshua. "Is this all I am?"
…
Blackness gave way as Joshua slowly opened one
of his eyes. His back was cold and wet, and pain was felt all over, most
notably in his head. As he slowly sat up and reached for his head, he saw two
figures in the distance running away from him. Joshua couldn't tell who they
were. They were too far away, and his head was badly hurting. After picking
himself up off the ground he slowly began to realize what had happened. He was
jumped by two guys and they had run off with the load he was carrying for John.
Just then as the blood slowly ran down the
back of his head his heart started racing. "John's gonna kill me. What am
I gonna do?" Joshua walked back to his room at the Palace hotel each step
bringing him more dread and panic. "What am I gonna tell John?"
"How did I get here" thought Joshua.
" The room was dark with shadows that resembled demons dancing on the
walls, there was a smell of stale cigarettes and alcohol, and a musty smell
that almost made Joshua gage. For the last month, he had somehow slid so far
down into the pigpen that he was doing some of the most disgusting and vile
things in order to make money and pay off the debt he owed for losing that
delivery of drugs.
The shock, the anger, the self-loathing, and
the deep sickness of what he had finally become was too much for Joshua to
handle. Lying there on the verge of vomiting he remembered the days long past
of living with his father. He had it made. Clean clothing, good food, people
who loved him and not just for what they could get from him or for the moment.
"How did I get here!" he screamed.
"AGHHHH!!" "Shut up!" came the response from the other side
of the wall. The rooms at the Palace hotel had paper-thin walls it seemed.
Broken and lost Joshua curled up on the bed and cried himself to sleep.
-
The days passed like watching molasses roll
down a tree is the dead of winter. Each day felt like an eternity.
"Father, my sons. Lord, I desperately want to see them united in love with
you and each other. Joshua is gone and I don't know where he's gone to or
what's happened to him. Lord, please bless him and protect him. Draw him back
to yourself and bring him home to me. Nathan too has wandered from you. I see
him daily, but he's grown so bitter and filled with hate. I feel like my two
boys have both gone down the same road. One wants nothing to do with you and
the other uses you as a tool to hate people. Lord..."
The warm light from the sun danced upon his
face. It was bright but comforting. He could see the light dancing from the
back of his eyelids. He slowly opened his right eye and looked through the slit
in the shade at the light from the morning sun. Although the large buildings
blocked out the direct sunlight there was enough indirect light to make his
otherwise dark room seem bright. The moment seemed so peaceful. In that moment
he lost himself. He had no memory of the night before, no thought about who he
was or what he was doing. Just a sense of peace and warmth. In that moment a
memory, an image, even more than that a feeling and an emotion flashed in his
mind that he could actually feel in his very soul: His mother, Rose. How he
missed her. He remembered her face, her warm hugs, and her gentle voice. He saw
her as beautiful as ever, as vivid as ever. A beatific vision from heaven. And all
at once... it was gone.
The thunderous sound of a knock at the door
broke the spell. Reality had set in and although the day was still bright and
blue, for Joshua hell had returned. A dark gloom showered him as he yelled
"Who is it?".
A wheezily little voice spoke from the other
side of the door. "It's me, man. Open the door. C'mon." Joshua pulled
himself from off the bed and pulled his pants on as he hobbled to the door.
Joshua quickly opened it and in the rudest most annoyed voice said, "What
is it Turtle!" Turtle was a fellow drug user. He and Joshua would often
get high together.
"I was just wondering if you had
anything. I know you got something. Let's just spark a quick splif."
"I don't have anything, Turtle. Now leave me alone." With that Joshua
slammed and locked the door.
Joshua's mind was still fixed upon his mother.
Although that beautiful vision had faded, he simply couldn't get her out of his
mind. In an instant, before Joshua even knew it tears came rushing from his
eyes, a flood of emotion swept over him as he collapsed on his bed and cried
like a child.
He had lived a long time in the pigpen. He had
done things no one should ever have to do. He had abused and mistreated others
and he had been abused and mistreated. But that was the end of it. "I'm
not gonna stick around here. I'm outta here." With that, Joshua got up
walked to the door of room 9 and walked out. Down the hallways called perfidia.
Up and out the front door of the cave and into the dark alleyway. One step at a
time Joshua climbed the stairs and with each step, the climb felt a little
easier. It was as if he threw off an old burden with each step. The air seemed
sweeter and lighter. The darkness became a little brighter the closer he got to
the top of the stairs.
When he finally reached the top, he looked up
into the sky and saw the most dazzling bright sky. No clouds and the sun felt
so warm.
Joshua lost himself in the moment for what
seemed like an eternity. But all of a sudden, he heard the voice of an old
friend. "Why are you looking up in the sky?" asked Tiresias.
"What you looking for?" "It just felt… so good… the sun on my
face. I feel like I haven’t seen it or felt it’s warmth in years”, Joshua said
with a relieved and almost gitty ring in his voice. “I'm going home. I'm outta
here, man." Joshua said with resolve. Tiresias nodded his head. "Why
are you just standing there, get on home”. Joshua said, "I, I just can't
get over how good this feels." Tiresias put his arm around Joshua and
whispered in his ear "Look at where you've come from" turning him
around so he could look at the Palace hotel at the bottom of those narrow
stairs. "Now go home where you belong".
With that, the two friends hugged, and Joshua
was off. He had no money for a bus ride, so he walked. Home was 40 miles away,
but each step Joshua took was one step closer to freedom. Each step felt like
one less burden to bear. He wasn't naive, he knew what he had done and how he
had treated his father and brother, but he was heading home.
He was standing on his porch drinking a cup of
coffee and staring off into the distance. This had become his daily habit, his
ritual in a sense. Samuel would spend the beginning of every day and end of
every day doing the same thing, looking down the road in hopeful expectation
that he might see his son coming home.
"Father, I miss Joshua. I desperately
miss my son. I don't know if he's alive or dead." Samuel prayed in
silence.
Each day Samuel spent working hard as he
always did, but more and more he became engrossed in prayer. It wasn't always
about his son, he would pray and thank God for the food he ate or for the home
he had. He would pray for his son Nathan, who he felt was falling further away
from, not only God but also his family. He prayed to God and found inner peace
and joy knowing that Jesus was walking with him through this tough time. Things
didn't always go well and with his boys both running away from the presence of
God he had many nights of sleepless sorrows but even in all of the pain and
heartache, he found peace in Jesus. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t prayed in the
past it simply intensified. Some might think it strange how his relationship
with God strengthened during this painful period when one might have thought it
would grow cold.
He had walked all day. Night was setting in.
"Where am I gonna sleep?" He asked himself. There was an overpass
just up ahead. Joshua decided he'd climb up under the bridge and spend the
night there. "At least I'll be dry if it rains." Joshua had spent
many a night in far worse places than that. As he got closer, he noticed that
there were others already congregating under the bridge. A handful of people
were all huddled around a very small fire that was burning in a large coffee
can. Just enough heat to warm their cold hands and throw off small a amount of
light.
"Is it alright if I spend the night with
you guys?" asked Joshua. One girl who was very thin from not having much
to eat and whose skin was blackened with grime nodded and said
“Sure". She was usually quite leery of
strangers, but Joshua was clearly of no danger to her. He himself looked almost
anorexic. His face had once been full but now was sunken in and he simply
looked frail.
"Thanks. I won't bother anyone" Said
Joshua and with that he crawled to the top of the underpass and settled in for
the night. He was still thinking about home. Just the word "HOME"
brought a flood of joy to his heart. He had been away for so long, way too long
and had done way too much. But "home". He kept thinking about home as
he slowly fell asleep without even noticing.
The Long Road Home by James Chaisson
Entry: 16
Joshua woke up to a slight nudge.
Natty was sitting next to Joshua and was poking in order to wake him up.
"Hey, wake up." She whispered. He opened his eyes to see that dirt
covered girl who had let him sleep under the bridge the night before staring at
him. Her voice was so soft and tender, so alluring. There was just something
about her voice that made Joshua get up and want to listen to her.
"What's
up?" replied Joshua. "Hey, you wanna get somthin to eat?" she
asked in a somewhat playful way. "Sure" replied Joshua. "There's
a place down around the corner. Let's go" She said.
As
the two started to walk down the street together Natty turned to Joshua and
said "I'm Natty. What's your name?" "Joshua" he said,
wiping his face with his hands and yawning.
Natty
was short for Natalie, she was only sixteen but had been on the streets since
she was ten. She had learned a lot from those six years. The number one thing
she learned was, get what you can, when you can, however you can.
As
they turned the corner Natty pointed to a store that was a few buildings down. “We
can get somethin to eat there”. As they approached the store Natty went in
first and Joshua followed. They both went down the same aisle. Joshua didn't
say anything he just followed Natty. "Here, take this." She said. Put
it in your jacket." "I'm not doing that" Joshua said in an
irritated voice. "You don't have any money?" "Just calm down and
take it. I do this all the time these people are idiots. Just take it!"
She said in an angry whisper, but Joshua didn't take the package of donuts she
tried to hand to him. He was a little confused. It wasn’t as if he had never
taken anything before, it wasn’t as if he hadn’t committed far worse crimes.
But this wasn’t who he wanted to be anymore. He was going home, he was
determined to change his life.
He
turned around and started to walk out when Natty ran by him like an Olympic
sprinter and was out the door before he knew what had happened. The store clerk
yelled "Stop!" but she was gone. Before Joshua knew what was going
on, he was grabbed by the arm by the manager.
"What's
up? Why are you grabbing me?" said Joshua annoyed that he was being
treated like he stole something. Sure, he had stolen many a times in the past
but not now. Joshua pulled away and started to run for the door, but the door
was blocked. Another store employee was blocking the way and Joshua overheard a
third on the phone with the police. "Shoplifting" was the only word
he heard. His head began to spin and all he could think of was "How am I
gonna get outta this mess?"
A
street cop was working the area when he got the call and was at the store in
under a minute. Joshua was now in the back of a patrol car headed down to the
police station. Natty had stolen from this store on a number of occasions but
she had also stolen from the other local stores. Joshua was an accessory and
was going down for her crimes.
All
he wanted to do was get back home and now it felt like his ship had been blown
off course and crashed into the rocks. "The fates are all against me"
he shouted in his head. "Why did I go with her? Why did I stop last night?
Why didn't I just keep going?" Joshua shouted out loud. He was frustrated
and angry. "Shut up kid. This is your own fault" came the reply from
the front of the car.
The
officer who was questioning Joshua was an older man with salt and pepper hair.
He was a somewhat round man who looked like he enjoyed his donuts, but he was a
kind man, at least he seemed kind to Joshua. "Here kid." Joshua was
handed a cup of coffee and a donut. "Now tell me what happened?" the
office said in a calm and almost happy voice.
"I
don't even know that girl. I'm trying to get home and I met her last night. I
don't know why I followed her. I was hungry and she asked if I wanted something
to eat. I didn't know she was gonna steal that food. She tried to get me to
steal some, but I didn't. I just wanna get home." Joshua broke down. His
head in his folded arms on the desk. It was as if he would never get home. Why
even try? Was this his life, destined to live far from home, a criminal, an
outcast?
He
cried so much that the desk was wet. The officer placed his hand on Joshua's
shoulder and said "Son it's going to be ok. But I need you to take a
breath and then tell me what happened." Joshua wiped his face took a sip
of the coffee and began again.
He
was held for about two hours and then was released. He hadn't stolen anything
but he had been with Natty, so he was held and questioned but in the end they
had no reason to keep him.
As he stepped out of the police station he looked
around. It was getting dark. It was only one in the afternoon, but a storm was
rolling in. The wind was starting to pick up as well. Joshua was emotionally
battered but not defeated. His desire to get home was stronger than ever. He
wouldn't let anything stand in his way. "I ain't stoppin for no one and
nothin" Joshua said out loud. And off he walked.
Joshua
figured he could make it home if he just kept walking all through the night,
and he was determined to do just that. After about an hour of walking the rain
started coming down and at first it was light, nothing too bad but after about
another hour of walking the storm had made it look like it was night and the
rain really began to fall. He was not only drenched and cold, but the rain attacked
him, it felt like small pebbles battering his body.
Were
all the forces of nature against him? He was cold and tired but still he walked
on. The only thing that got him through was that constant image of home. He
walked all night in the rain, legs feeling like cement pillars, each step was
slow and painful, he was exhausted. Anyone else would have stopped for a while,
taken a rest and then continued on, but not Joshua, there was something deep
inside that kept driving him forward in spite of how his physical body felt.
It was almost sunrise when the rain
finally stopped. As he walked, he could tell that the sun would peak its head
over the horizon in a few minutes. The sky was beginning to get lighter.
Soaked, cold, and exhausted Joshua turned on to his street. He was getting
closer to his father's house. A flood of emotions rolled over him as he took in
the sight of the houses around him.
He
had played in the backyard of some of these houses. He had ridden his bike up
and down this very street. His eyes welled up with tears that he held back. And
as he got closer, he rehearsed in his head what he would say to his father when
he got home.
Samuel
had just finished getting ready for the day. He had his Sunday best on with his
coffee in his hand. He had about a half hour before he needed to leave for the
church service. Coffee in hand, Samuel walked out onto the porch and began his
daily routine of silent prayer and gazing down the street.
The
sun was just coming up on that Sunday morning when in the distance Samuel saw
someone walking down the road. He imagined in his mind that this was his son.
He had finally come home after all this time. Samuel's heart filled with
emotions, happiness, relief, surprise, joy. But it was probably just one of the
neighbors out for a morning walk, he thought to himself. As Samuel continued to
watch the figure get closer, he noticed that it looked like a young man. He
kind of walked like Joshua…
… In one powerful moment his heart pounded with the
force of a hammer striking an anvil. Samuel dropped the coffee from his hand,
stood straight up and leaned over the porch. "Could it be?" he said
in a low voice. "Is that my son?" Samuel watched with and intensity
that took over his whole body. "It… it’s my son!" He shouted. Samuel
took off like a rocket. He was down the porch stairs and out of his driveway
before you could blink. Full speed Samuel ran, his heart pounding, his mind
racing, tears rolling down his face.
Joshua
looked up the road where he could now see his father's house and he saw someone
running full speed towards him, in a suit no less. "Dad?!" Joshua
said in disbelief. It was his father running down the road "Joshua, my son!",
Samuel screamed. He ran up to his son out of breath and sweating like crazy.
Joshua looked his father in the eyes and began crying, "I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. I was a terrible son..." Samuel stopped him from saying another
word. He embraced him with a grip that was so strong it hurt just a little. He
quickly took off his suit coat and put it on his son. And they walked back to
the house, Samuel’s arm firmly around his son as if to make sure he wouldn’t
lose him again.
Nathan
was all dressed up in his Sunday best and was just about to head off to the
church building when he got a call from his father letting him know that his
brother was home. This he couldn’t believe. He wasn’t happy that Joshua was
back. He was irritated and angry. The voice of his father seemed to be excited,
happy, gitty almost. “How could he be happy that that wicked boy is back. What
more could he want?” Nathan asked himself as he got ready to confront his
brother, AND his father for being a FOOL to let that son of his come home, with
open arms no less.
He
opened his father’s door in disbelief that his younger brother was sitting
there at the kitchen table, looking like a train had run him over. He could
even smell him from the door. “What are you doing here”, Nathan asked with the
most arrogant, aggravated voice you have ever heard. Joshua said nothing but
dropped his head. Samuel quickly got up to talk with his son, but Nathan
wouldn’t come in. He turned and began walking away.
“What’s
wrong?”, Samuel asked as he followed him out the door. “Aren’t you glad your
brother’s home?” “Are you kidding? The way he treated you and now he comes
crawling home probably looking for some money and you’re just going to let him
come home? Are you stupid?” Was the reply from Nathan. The anger and animosity
were seeping from his pours he was visibly upset, and his face even turned
bright red.
Samule
pleaded with his son, but Nathan wasn’t having any of it. He determined in his
heart that he was never going to forgive Joshua and began to walk off. Samuel,
brokenhearted over Nathan’s reaction turned and went back inside.
Nathan
full of self-righteous indignation and still fuming with anger stormed off the
porch, but before he stepped down on to the stairs that led out into the yard
and off the property, he paused and took one last glance in at Joshua through
the window…
And in that moment, he saw his mother Rose in his
brother’s face. He hadn’t noticed it before, but Joshua resembled his mother. A
flood of emotions swept over him like a wave of water which almost knocked him
off his feet. He felt almost as if he was drowning, he gasped for breath and
then his eyes filled, and his heart began to pound. The anger, animosity, and
resentment all faded and before he even knew what he was doing he turned around
and placed his hand on the doorknob.
Samuel
and Joshua heard the turning of the doorknob and glanced over as the door began
to slowly open.
The End!
